Dear Dean

soupdragon — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 11:55:00 +0000

Office Of The Almighy

#1,

Everywhere

22nd April, 2009 (Earth Gregorian calendar)

To: Mr Dean Winchester, Esq.
C/o driver’s seat,
The Metallicar,
Kansas CNK 80Q3
USA

Re: Morale, Bolstering Of / Reprimand

My Dear Dean,

I’m sure this letter will come as a shock to you, as you struggle to make sense of season four so far. At this time, the last quarter of the season, I wish I could tell you everything will be alright. But I know it will be anything but.

Despite anything you may have gleaned from My operatives, you must believe that I am rooting for you. To have one misunderstood grafter whom no-one seems to support anymore on My team is most interesting, and I await your searing insight into how to proceed with much anticipation. I understand you feel alone, and I understand everyone needs encouragement now and again. For this reason I have asked one of my best operatives, Zachariah, to keep an eye on your progress – to pop down every once in a while to inspect the troops, so to speak. He has been a fan of your work for a while, and to be honest it also keeps him out of the office where he continually giggles to himself as the demonic host body count goes up on your personal scoreboard.

He has recently reported to Me, however, that you seem to have ‘dropped the ball’, as he put it. I am given to understand that this means, to use another of your human sporting analogies, that your batting average is lacking right now. We can’t have that. I understand you have had some tough times, but that’s no excuse to wibble like a small child and try to pass My operative Castiel a note from your parent to get you out of sports for the afternoon. You have been an adult for many years now, and while I realise you had no choice but to start acting like one at far too young an age, I also maintain that we all start as we mean to go on – and that includes acting like an adult. Yes, everyone has their off days (I swear to Me that I just stepped out of the office for a moment while the re-count for George W. Bush’s election votes was on), and yes, most people need a break every now again.

But not you. I have of course been watching you, Dean Winchester. I know exactly how many female names you have in your phonebook, and I even know about the secret overnight bag in the boot of your car for those times you wake up with a hangover in a place you did not expect to be – nothing gets past me, sunshine. I know you create opportunities for ‘happy endings’ and accept perks of the job where you can, because you do not know when you might find it again. What I am trying to tell you is that I know you are not the type to need to unwind – you are always like that. (It’s what keeps your hair up.) I know it, and so do you. So please, for the love of Me, get your game head back on and get back in the championship league – don’t make Me take further steps to convince you that, ultimately, you have no choice. Do you seriously think you can leave it to someone else?

I cannot stress enough how important it is that you keep fighting the good fight. A wary eye on your younger sibling would also be appreciated: spare the rod and spoil the child. And no-one wants that. (I have already written to your brother; see attachment.)

Finally, on a personal note: It is immensely gratifying that you share My adoration of My creations, or rather, the females. And while I did not invent cheeseburgers, I approve of their use as an emotional crutch when your sibling whines all day. But please, do not covet that automobile so. After-all, it is only man-made. And as spring dwindles and we head toward summer, I think it’s high time we got back to single layers – I recommend those thin t-shirts with the nice loose V-necks. I think you’ll find a lot of those females you spend so much time thinking about will appreciate the change from your usual unnecessarily heavy shirts. And I do think you should let more people see proof of the Work I do – or at least, the Work My operatives do on my behalf – right there on your shoulder. It will be good for you too to get those arms of yours out more – that burn needs a bit of sun if it is ever to heal properly. Trust Me, no-one will protest.

My eternal love by thine (and as always, love to Bobby),

God

P.S.

Next time you happen to speak with My operative Castiel, please inform him his dry-cleaning is still waiting to be picked up. Perhaps you could do an old creator a favour and nudge him in the direction of a less scruffy Columbo outfit – and perhaps find a way to help him relax between assignments? If he asks Me one more time why I will not allow him to take in a Basset Hound, I swear I’ll start smiting.

@soupdragon

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Dear Sam

soupdragon — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 15:18:00 +0000

Office Of The Almighty

#1,

Everywhere

18th April, 2009 (Earth Gregorian calendar)

To: Mr Samuel Winchester, Esq.
C/o passenger seat,
The Metallicar,
Kansas CNK 80Q3
USA

Re: Attitude, Adjustment Of

Dear Sam,

It has been reported to Me that your attitude has taken a rather unfortunate downturn in recent weeks. I refer of course to your constant intimation that your brother, namely Dean, is not the man he once was.

It may have escaped your notice that, since returning from Perdition, your brother has had quite a few rather sizeable personal obstacles to hurdle. While you have enjoyed the warm blanket of faith in Me all of your life, your brother has, at best, been waiting for proof, at worst, unprepared to accept there may be anything good left in the multiverse. His retrieval by one of My most trusted operatives was a horrific shock to his personal belief system, one that My operatives confirm that he is still struggling with.

Secondly, and not to put too fine a point on it: he was in Perdition. By definition, not a place to be enjoyed. I have heard of human soldiers suffering from post traumatic syndrome for many years. Half a season to get over his soul-destroying experiences cannot be too much to ask, surely?

I understand you feel that he is somehow different. He is, and even he does not comprehend just how much. However, you must continue to believe in Me and trust that I ordered him back for more important reasons than simply preventing him from choosing to ‘open the box’ over ‘taking the money’. It cannot have gone unnoticed that he is still prepared to do the job, however much you accuse him of “losing his edge”. Everything is unfolding as it should, and I would appreciate a little more faith in My planning abilities, thank you.

While we’re on the subject of faith, perhaps you could take a moment to think carefully about the reasons you believe this ‘Ruby’, as you prefer to call her, is actually appearing to help you. It breaks My heart to see such a fine, honest believer corrupted by the likes of ‘Ruby’, and sometimes I wonder why I find you humans so fascinating anyway. While you are, certainly, one of My finer creations (I take personal responsibility for those expressive eyebrows), you need to ensure you do not let yourself cross the line from cute and useful to Dean into borderline Ends Justifies The Means. Trust Me, you do not want Me to become upset over the actions you bring about in the name of the Greater Good. Your brother himself warned you about this subject: you must be wary of good intentions. I believe he put it best: “Ruby’s just jerking your chain down the road. You know what it’s paved with and you know where it’s going.”

Finally, on a personal note, please wear less layers. I gave you that body for a reason, and it was nothing to do with clothes horses. And don’t worry, I have already sent a letter to your brother.

Love to Bobby,

God

@soupdragon

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The Daily Buckets of Crazy » Open Letter

Dear Dean

Dear Sam